He Doesn't Sound So Bad
Understanding Another
I often judged Tom as a hypocrite for wanting to hide away at home when he wasn’t working. “How unchristian!” I thought. Our family remembers the times when the phone would ring and we would be invited to a party and Tom would howl, “Why would they do that to us!”
On one of my silent retreats at Mepkin Abbey, I had the privilege of talking to Fr. Christian, a ninety-something monk. I told him my frustrations with Tom’s resentment over people wanting time with him. I wanted to go out in the world and meet people and cultivate relationships with other adults. This need was heightened from being with my children all day, every day.
I also told him about Tom’s faith struggles and how upset he got at church when things were not the way they were supposed to be. His anger was palpable to me and to our children. It made Sundays difficult. Much of his frustration came from grief. He had poured years into preparing for ministry, only to lay that dream down. Returning to the Church he loved meant accepting losses he couldn’t fix and questions he couldn’t resolve.
I described to Fr. Christian more about my life with Tom. Dinner time was the highlight of the day. Tom led us in conversations about all sorts of subjects. He supported me in making my dreams come true—being able to stay at home to raise and educate my children. He brought joy in the house with his singing and made life fun by taking our kids on excursions and road trips.
Fr. Christian responded, “He doesn’t sound so bad. Next time you are invited to a party, tell him you and the children will be going and that you will bring home some treats for him.”
I told Tom about the conversation I’d had with the monk. He smiled from ear to ear. He felt understood.
When I went back to working full-time, teaching second graders, I remember the moment I felt what Tom had felt. My relationship tank was drained after a day of teaching. I relished being at home with my family and laying low. Now I truly understood.
Dorie, thanks for this insight into Tom! His anti-social behavior was of course well-known, and he came by it honestly (our mother and father had a similar dynamic). I remember long ago he and I were at someone's house. Tom sat silently while I engaged in banter and small talk. After we left he asked me, "How do you do that?", meaning, how do come up with an endless supply of BS and small talk? I asked him, "How can you just sit there in awkward silence?" We both laughed, but we both understood something about the other. Keep writing - you're stuff is great.
This is so relatable! God is amazing in how he placed you into the situation to feel as Tom had felt, lol! I suppose it points to the need to accept others when we don't understand what their behavior.
I went through a phase where my then husband was ALWAYS late - for everything. That culminated a five-hour drive with friends to a campground we'd never visited before. I told my husband i did not want to arrive in the dark, that I wanted to be on the road by a certain time, that I knew that might be a challenge for him, but that I would be leaving with or without him by then. He had gone somewhere and was not back. I had the car loaded, and I left. It was hard to abide by that boundary. He drove separately and met us there! Maybe each got our needs met.